The tightness in my chest, the pounding in my head. This is how I felt every morning waking up thinking about going to the place I fear. The place I don’t belong. School is the place I have to go, the place that you have to just blend in and not be different. How am I meant to do this when all I feel is different. My peers act like I am the odd one out and can’t do anything right. The fear I feel when I see the gate that traps me with them, I can’t escape the place I don’t belong.
The girls are mean and the boys are rude so how am I meant to find the place that i am told I will find my people the ones who are meant to support me, the ones who help me to get through the torture it is. The lessons are hard and I feel like I am drowning, not able to keep up with them. The overwhelming feeling of pressure to be the best but not be able to keep up, there is too much to do and the support I seek, I cant find in the place I am meant to succeed.
The days all end up blurring into one continuous feeling of anxiety that never seems to disappear no matter how much I try to distract myself from the wandering eyes that follow me down the hallways or the whispers I hear about myself as I enter a classroom. This is the reason why I hate it there, the constant feeling of disapproval doesn’t seem to ever fade. I think this is due to the fact that I have never really made friends but if i do they all seem to leave. I just want someone to talk to and become close with.
I wake up and get ready wondering if the girl next to me will realise that I have spent nearly an hour on my make up or that I have changed my hair six times before I even get to school. The amount of effort I put in, to just be ignored by every person there. I have talked to my mum so many times about how much I hate it there but all she says is to ignore them and that it will stop and if it doesn’t talk to the teachers.
I wish that I had the confidence to talk to others about my problems but I feel like no one else would care because why should they? I am a sixteen year old girl just experiencing high school, what can they actually do to stop what is happening or am I just being over dramatic. Who knows, I hope that this feeling will stop when I leave because I don’t know how I will cope with this any longer. I am going to keep trying until I can’t any longer and then I will find the help I need.