The individually teared pages of Caitlin’s diary, from her previous life, lay strewn across the cold, lino floor. Her file clearly stated that they where her words but yet she spited them like the words of an enemy. She had to read them, M was clear about that because the judges of Macerc were to see her in 10 minutes. So she read on.
Crossing names she no longer recognised put a rotting taste in her mouth and the deepest parts of her soul felt like crawling out of her body and back to Jamkun. She flinched away.
“Caitlin, you are running out of time. They won’t like you but don’t give them a reason not to let you through”
The harsh words of her friend stung deeper while she was in this vulnerable position. Caitlin wanted to respond but her voice was swallowed in fear of revealing what she’d just read. It gripped the insides of Caitlin so tight that she couldn’t turn back.
“ I’m leaving”, Her hand grabbed for the metal panel through which they’d entered, she found nothing but a cold sting against her shaking hands.
“ Cait,” M’s eye-line lowered toward the floor “ you can’t go back.”
“ I can. I want Jamkun, I want my bed, I want to go back.” Panic was only hinted in her voice but it echoed in the silence.
“ I know, but Jamkun is not for you anymore. It’s your time to breakthrough” M rightly sensed the point hadn’t got across, “ You can’t go back. Jamkun was a pass through, you have to get into Macerc . There is no bed for you left back there.”
Caitlin’s knees became week and she stumbled on the loose papers and almost collapsed to the floor. She knew the time would come when she would have to leave, to get through to Macerc, Heaven, Jannah and she knew the world of Jamkun was just a lay-by. But she didn’t know about the pain she would have to endure and the pleas she would have to make to the judges.
Jamkun was the world in between, it cleared her memories of her past life, gave her space. For Caitlin it was the first true peace she’d experienced. But now she owed the judges something. To get to paradise, she had to read the file about her life.
“ Caitlin,” M spoke so softly but shook in uncontrollable fear. “ you have to keep reading. ”
But she couldn’t do it. The judges knew that. She didn’t want to know what she’d done or what had happened to her, she didn’t want to bring alive the memories that festered in her head. She couldn’t even read about the world she had come from that had left so many scars.
The ceiling opened to darkening skies. The stars where the eyes of the judges.
“If you cannot face the world you’ve come from. You shall not enter ours.
Send her back”